Honesty



This past year has proven to be an emotional whirlwind for me, in more ways than one. I had changed so much this past year and without noticing lost who I was; and I am not sure how much of that change has been good for me. I won’t go into specifics of why this year has required a whole lot of lady balls and a bottles of wine, but I have had to learn some tough lessons and experience a lot of heartbreak in 2015. Being twenty one, this is the time of my life where I am supposed to be discovering new adventures, making friends and living life to the fullest. But this couldn’t of been further than reality.

It wasn’t until a few months ago, where I hit a really dark point in my life. I had a heart to heart with my manager (AKA really good friend) and she said these words to me ‘ your young, you should be happy so do what is best for you, you can be selfish’.  Now even though I has heard these words over and over from friends it was only now that it hit home. I needed to change. I was so unhappy.

The most frustrating thing about it all was that I did not know why I was so unhappy. In the past I have touched on my experience with depression, but I took it down a few hours later because I thought it was slightly too personal; and also I didn’t want to seem like a debbie downer to anyone stumbling along my blog. In my life I have always put everyone else first. Now I am not saying that’s a bad thing because well honestly that’s the nurse in me and I hate seeing people upset and down; but I forget to take some me time and think about my own happiness.

After a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears and a lot of stuffing my face with galaxy bars and pizza (#notashamed) i came to realise that my self-esteem was affected by other people’s opinions of me. And it was only then I came to the recollection that I had always been this way; I had always worried too much about other people’s opinions of me. I compared myself to everyone in the fear of not being good enough and the fear that everyone I cared about would run in the opposite direction because I wasn’t perfect. Silly right?

I would always push myself too far and stress myself too much that I would make myself ill in the fear of not being perfect. I know some people say there is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist but I beg to differ. I would get extremely anxious if someone saw me on a bad day or I wasn’t 100% put together with a full face of makeup and hair on fleek.

I had always felt really awkward and found it hard to accept compliments. I would always accompany my compliment with a bad point about myself; it was as though I was trying purposely not to hear or accept the compliment because I felt it was not true or that I was being compared when that was completely not the case. I struggled to look someone in the eye if I knew they were looking at me. It was only these past few months I have come to recollection of how unhealthy that is, to constantly live up to a perfection I will never be. No one will.

There is a huge taboo about confidence these days, particularly on social media. If someone talks about a characteristic, body part, talent etc, that they feel is a great thing they almost get judged instantly that they are egocentric or narcissistic. I think that is really sad, why should we always focus on our negatives? We are all tip top guys and gals and shouldn’t feel we have to hide that.
So here is a list of some great, and not so great characteristic traits of mine that I have acquired in these past few months.

Great Things:
·         I am very assertive, I stick to my guns and im hard to persuad
·         I now step out of my comfort zone a lot more than I used too. I will actually go for a catch up with an old friend instead of just stuffing my face and binge watching Netflix in hiding
·         I now look after my health more. This year I attend the gym 3-4 times a week and make healthier choices in day to day life
·         I can successfully remove negative people from my life
·         I am focused on my goals and I am constantly working towards them

 Not so great things:
·         I tend to dwell on the past a lot, what could have been?
·         I tend to push people away a lot easier than I should
·         I can sometimes be a tad too negative. I love positive people and I really feed off their energy however I don’t always provide that in return
·         I don’t tend to share my feelings and bottle them up until I have a completely hysterical melt down involving wine and a huge bag of galaxy counters
·         My mouth overrides my brain a lot and I often say a lot of things without thinking of the repercussions

Anyway, I am writing this to mark the end of an era and start of fresh, a healthier, more realistic happier perception on life. My plan is to hopefully one day in the near future be able to walk my dog without a scrap of makeup on and say thank you to a compliment and store it in my brain for safe keeping. I am going to start making more plans and enjoying my life in my twenty’s a lot more.

When I am 70 years old and my grandkids are asking for stories about when I was younger I want to have realms of stories to tell that fuel their little minds, not feel sad when I look back on how I felt in my twenty’s. 



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